The Love Blow
I keep saying this over and over again but it rings true on so many levels, “love is a double edged sword.” I haven’t really written anything about my breakup, no “I hate you but I love you” letter or poem or blog post :) but I think the process of writing really helps me see things that speaking them can’t. Once you say something, verbally, it sends a message to the mind that what you are currently going through is real, “I am no longer in a relationship”…saying that out loud brought a flood of tears and hunger pains but I had to say it in order to not slip into complete and utter denial like crazy girlfriends do. Where am I going with this? Ok, I am very big on saying I’m fine and secretly crumbling on the inside. The day of the break up I cried myself to sleep and played Erykah Badu’s - Out my mind, just in time, repeatedly until I fell asleep. The first 2:40 of the 10 minute song rang so true in regards to my feelings. Since our breakup last week I’ve been trying to run through what happened, what I could have done better as a girlfriend to prevent this, when did he start feeling that way, I don’t know..so many thoughts of what I could have done. Sad to say the person that he is these questions won’t go answered in a straightforward way so I’ll just continue to wonder…or ask his friends.
In the past 7 months I have gone through so many emotions, heart tugs, and every pivotal growth and hardship that an individual could endure. I would be a horrible person if I question God, ‘Why Me’ but I know that there is a plan that has been set for me that I just don’t understand right now. As much as I hurt, did hurt, still hurt I am at a sense of peace it seems. I had come to the realization through deep self-reflection, alone time, perfectly blended drinks, and a playlist of ‘f*ckyouicandobadbymyself’ songs that it’s not our time. I don’t understand why when we text now the conversations are the same as if we were together, minus the kissy faces, babes, and I love you’s but a part of me just wants the normalcy back. The love, coupled with the relationship, with the intimacy and everything that didn’t crumble with long distance.
Once again there is a purpose to this post and it’s mainly to get these emotions out to ensure growth. I still have love for him and would have deep thoughts about getting back together with him given that we did not break up on bad terms, but of pure blind-sidedness (that is def not a word but who cares). I was trying to figure out a reason for this blog and I’ve come to the conclusion that it is this, this breakup was a blow to my heart, and I just needed to say this. This double edged sword that brought me to my highest highs hit me and brought me to my lowest low bed ridden, and sick to my stomach. I question is what love is about? The control this feeling has over us to force out every human emotion from our being: jealousy, hate, happiness, saddness…and yet we search our whole life to experience the compilation of them all, Love. For those who can relate you know it is a feeling that consumes you and is everything that keeps you afloat and can sink you the same, I’ve come to deem this as the beautiful contradiction.
